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Your Monthly Emissions (oops..) Premonitions!!

Heaven knows what kinds of things are going to happen you over the next couple of weeks but one thing is for's birthday time! All I'm able to tell you is that it's going to be hectic and possibly traumatic. However, the good news is that you have an opportunity to begin working through the various dramas, and finally the cosmic calamity clouding you eases. You have some lovely financial aspects beginning to develop too.  Things are looking up. It's a hard life being an astrologer and trying to see exactly what's going to happen to YOU. Especially you. Like life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings - just like how your life may be this month. If you’re allergic to peanuts – Sorry!

It’s a great time for getting fit and healthy, to rid of old clothes and hair styles that no longer look good on you.  It is time to start planning what the “new you” is going to look like and get back to building your life the way you want it. Your resolve to wait until you are married is very creditable. After all, this way you'll...I mean, if you wait then..., stuff it! If you wait you'll only think about the years wasted where you could have been doing it. Astrological trivia comes in the form of an email it; may arrive in your mailbox this month informing you that a) You've won a competition b) You deserve a massive dong (Oops! Am I allowed to say that??) I’ll rephrase...let’s say ^*#! Instead(!)  c) Someone in the office loves you. A flood of exclamation marks will come back to haunt you later this month as an email comes true...

There are definitely drawbacks to all your best laid plans this month so be aware that this month might not be your luckiest. When faced with a traumatic situation, please remember what your mother always told you. You could also be hit with a huge independence streak – September brings out the new Aries as the “Look at me!  I did it all by myself!” energy is unleashed. Although it is true that you are not looking to find love, love may instead find you. If it does, I warn you to be wary since although love can seem like a garden of roses it doesn’t come without its fair share of thorns. Be prepared for a little prick this month!

Your social life, is about to be re-ignited with plenty of action, inspiration, and enthusiasm. You need to be surrounded by people this month so hosting is the recipe – remember, peaches and cream are a cheap and enjoyable dessert menu for any dinner guest. Your private life is still quite stressful so the screaming of times tables during love-making may help you to curb your temper but it will definitely alienate your partner who will assume that your heart really isn't in it.  Tears, laughter, tears, laughter... This month is going to be a see-saw of emotions versus stress but by the end of it you'll realise that it's all been for the best. Speaking of which, good news will come from a stranger who will predict a cocktail of happiness and sadness – remember you gotta shake it to make it and drink it from salt rimmed glass!

Are you not seeing the wood for the trees? If you don't wear glasses now, the chances are that you're going to need too soon. You are still torn between your professional goals and private life.  Stress is a sign of overworking as much as anything else. So take a chill pill and relax, book a massage and ease away your troubles. Everything you've ever felt about anything will be tested this month during some troubling moment in which you'll learn something about anything or everything. Experience a fresh start, try something new and exciting. Falling in love is an absolute blessing and will fill your life with sugar plums, fairies and pretty flowers – try it!

This month is going to be one of those "trials by fire"-type nightmares that happen every so often. I wish I could give you more details but then you'd have no good reason to return over the next few months, would you? The chances are you're going to feel quite miserable about it and for a few weeks you may sport a "pout" that could actually win an Oscar. The good news is that you have some positive energy brewing in your domestic life and you have a lovely new beginning or fresh start in your finances. Planets are beginning to park in new locations that will help end the major dramas. If some things start to appear impossible, it may be time to clone yourself. One of the problems with getting your own way with love is that sometimes you have to be a bit evil. Thing is - you're a natural, that's all.

As a fella once said “ain't that a kick in the head”. Not that you'll be kicked in the head - it's a metaphor. I mean, for all I know you *are* going to get kicked in the head, so maybe just wear a crash helmet for the rest of the month. Change does not come quick and it does not come easy. That does not mean it is not coming, it just means that there is some difficult “grown up” stuff that has to be figured out.  Lions curb your stubbornness and impatience - it will not help. You’re expected to hear good news soon from an excitable old lady who may turn out to be drunk aunt - remember charity begins at home. You get a chance to create a fresh start or new beginning for yourself and you are about to enjoy a lovely grand finale in your romantic activities. So one night this month give something to your loved one that is unexpected and cheeky. When questioned you can be armed with a ready response "Charity begins at home..." yada...yada...yada...

Carry an overcoat with you every day as you'll need it to be prepared if it rains or becomes even colder than usual. Or, simply if you happen to be caught parading naked around your local shopping centre.  Decisions are hard for you this month so be ready and geared up. You could find that a new attitude or spiritual practice may provide you with a delightful distraction from all of the drama you have been going through in recent months. You must decide how to continue from today onwards, whether it's by questioning everything that happens or, instead, letting it all wash over you like the water from maiden's bathwater. A confession of a manic love for you is revealed over the next few weeks. And to think, love is staring you in the face but you can't see beyond the end of your nose! If you find this is true for you, the best thing to do is to stop looking down and look ahead and see yourself standing toe-to-toe with the one you fancy.  You never know your own luck!

Despite the planetary battles still going on in your life, things are becoming more simplified and you are making progress. The stars indicate that it is a good month to party like it's 1999. Sweet, sticky, orange stuff...possibly an ice lolly or Marmalade - I’m not quite sure what it is, or what it has to do with you this month...but it’s definitely visual in your cosmic chart. If you don't like orange - don't panic! It might taste like something completely different, like a Korma or a Vindaloo – yes a Vindaloo! You say that love is dumb - that’s just recognising the fact that love hasn't affected you in the way you need it to. You do have romance in your heart but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, perhaps excluding any sphincters, and then tense them all again. Then relax again. Now go get 'em!

You may find that this month you are siding more with the idea of following your bliss. Your personal pleasure planet is receiving a delightful boost of energy although your social life may still be in a tug-of-war with your ideas of happiness. Temptation emerges high over this month's agenda as you suddenly notice that your colleague has rather a nice bottom and appears to make you need to stare at it. Your belief that bewitching exists is pleasurable to you the same way chocolates can provide a pleasurable sensation when placed in the mouth and left to melt away. Something you learn will put you off a potential lover, be prepared for Google is about to take over your life - play responsibly.

Time to be embarrassed by your actions or maybe not to be this month...sod it! Embrace your flamboyant side. A movie with a special someone will set you straight about a number of things...probably. Sorry, it's a slow month for you, there's nothing much I can say that will make it any more interesting. Well OK maybe... Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you come to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garnish their trust and you can take advantage of them. Your favourite phrase this month will be "I'll do it!", "Wow, I've never seen...well, anything like...Wow!” and “ta-da!” 

Your home life and professional life are still pulling you from both directions and making you feel as if you need to be cloned to give both the attention that they really need at this time. However, the good news is that you have a romantic new beginning or fresh start in your life. Raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old stylist who runs the hair salon down the road, is not. The word "Charlie" will be important this month for reasons that are as perplexing to me as they will be to you. In fact, I estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion this month will be caused by the very idea that "Charlie" will be important, today. Bits and pieces of the day will flash before your eyes before you've even seen them. This is all due to the excitement and pleasure at a new found maybe “Charlie” - or it maybe for your love of the bottle(!)